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When networking failed me
- Jan 25
- 4 min read
What do we lose when we stay comfortable?
At my Seattle book launch for Uncompete last fall, my friend Ijeoma Oluo described something I’ve witnessed for years but hadn’t quite named: a tendency (especially in cities like Seattle) to prize quiet comfort over community. She said:
“People work to become very comfortable and well-off… and they don’t even throw a party.”
We laughed, but it reveals something deep: it can feel easier — and even virtuous — to stay home, productive, and comfortable (especially when it’s dark and rainy, as it was that night of my launch!). But when we choose comfort over connection, we miss the very thing that helps us thrive: community.
It’s all well and good to skip community when life is good…but when the chips are down, or to make meaning of an abundant time (like for me with a book launch), community is not only necessary, it’s life-giving.
Here’s a brief clip of our conversation from my book launch event at Seattle Town Hall:
What Competition Gets Wrong About Belonging
When I moved to Seattle, everyone I met seemed to be building something big: launching startups, innovating at global tech companies, casually talking about their next million-dollar idea. The competitive energy was constant (even when disguised as a humble brag).
Eventually, I got a coveted job in tech, and… I was miserable (I am just not built for that world!).
But I stayed, because I thought belonging meant having the right title, working in the right industry, and meeting the right people. So, like many of us, I focused on building my “professional network.”
Even after leaving my last corporate job to build my business, I thought networking strategically–chasing folks with titles was more important than investing in community. An example of this? Prioritizing attending a women’s networking social hour that took an hour to drive to over the neighborhood bake sale.
Network ≠ Community
Then I became a parent. And suddenly, none of that mattered.
I remember being awake at 3 AM with a crying baby, and realizing there was no one around I could text or call. With family and childhood friends living over 24 hours by flight away, it was a rude awakening to realize that networking may have built my bank account, but I was community poor.
All the networking I had done couldn’t help me in those moments (this is not to say the people in your network can’t become dear friends, but that was not my experience).
It was a literal wake-up call about the difference between a network and a community. A network might get you a job or business contract, but a community shows up when your life is falling apart. A community can hold you through the best of times and the worst of times.
Showing Up Is Essential for Community
Ijeoma asked me at the launch, “what is there to gain from letting go of this competitive mindset and thinking with intention and a justice mindset about uncompeting?”
The short answer is: we gain each other. I expand on this in much more detail in Uncompete, but competition among people who should be in community and solidarity with each other only benefits oppressors and keeps us apart. When we uncompete, we band together, uplift each other, validate each other and build a world where more of us can lead and thrive.
How do we do this? For me, the answer comes down to this: first, we need to show up. When possible, in person. Especially when it’s inconvenient. That night of my launch, so many people came out — even in the dark, cold rain — to be in community, and it was so meaningful and heartening. It felt like the beginning of a movement, which is what so many people told me afterwards.
Real talk: It’s easier to disengage. It’s harder to put on “real clothes” and leave the house to be with people — especially when we feel tired or uncertain or behind. Or log in to cheer others on virtually, foregoing time scrolling or watching a movie. But that discomfort leads to something important, because we are not meant to do this alone.
Uncompeting Is Taking the Long View
What has allowed us to be successful as a society is the ability to collaborate–data backs this up. We survived in history as a species not because we competed with each other, but because we were able to work together through deep collaboration.
In contrast, I haven’t found any research that indicates that we are hard-wired to compete. We are hard-wired to compare, to look at another person and assess whether they’re a predator or a fit for our tribe. But that’s different from competition.
Uncompete invites us to take a long view, a problem-solving-together view. To stop measuring our lives by short-term wins and start thinking about what sustains us over time: people, community, belonging, love.
We need each other. We need to invest in our communities like ecosystems — not just as people who can help us get ahead, but as people we can show up for, and who show up for us.
In solidarity,
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