Can we teach kids to uncompete?

I often get asked about how Uncompete relates to young people. I’ve been reflecting heavily on what it means to raise the next generation outside of competitive norms.

As a parent to a nine-year-old boy, this is an area where I am always learning. Or rather, I’ve had to do a lot of un-learning and am continually working on that. As the child of immigrant parents, I was definitely taught that the more I excelled, the better position I would be in society.  

Of course, I also want my son to succeed, and competition with myself and others was the way I was taught to be successful…and yet, writing Uncompete forced me to ask (and investigate and research!) whether competition is really good for us as humans.  So I’ve had to go back to some of what I wrote about in my own book–which is not parenting-specific–to guide decisions on how to raise a child that doesn’t feel like success only means being the best at everything––beating out everyone else––no matter the cost.

One way that we can nurture and nourish our kids without emphasizing competition is to emphasize learning and cultivating a growth mindset (making them into well-rounded people) rather than a fixed mindset (hyper-focusing on things that they show skills in). 

My son isn't always comfortable in his body, but to Uncompete means to embrace failure.

Here he is learning how to play soccer with other kids who had much more practice than him!

So, for example, my son showed an early aptitude for (and interest in) maths. My instinct was to immediately find extended math classes and competitions for him. In a competition-at-all-costs society, it makes sense to double down on what kids are "good" at and focus on that rather than what they aren't showing early aptitude in.

But thinking this way has never served me well. In fact, like him, I was always more interested in books and learning indoors than outdoor activities. When I did venture onto the soccer field, or tennis court or track, I was laughed at and felt so much shame, I stopped trying. I was never going to be the next Megan Rapinoe or Serena Williams, but I'm sad that the prevailing message around me was, "either you're good and then it's worth trying to get better, or you're a failure so just quit now."

I know.

So my spouse and I made a deliberate decision to encourage our kid's interest in math, but also focus on things he struggled with, like sports. We need to get kids really good at being ok with failing, at learning from those failures, and at not deriving their whole sense of self-worth from winning.  

This also overlaps with research on how many modern parents go out of their way to remove friction from their kids’ lives. If my child only does what they’re good at, then they’ll feel happy, but if I put them in (age-appropriate, safe) difficult situations, they’ll be frustrated/upset/angry and I don’t want them to feel that.

But it’s precisely in exposing them to friction–not removing those obstacles–that they have their greatest growth and resilience. I saw this firsthand myself; when my child was lauded by peers and teachers for math, he only wanted to keep doing that. But including sports like soccer, martial arts and skiing into the mix, all where he had a steep learning curve and plenty of tears, was necessary for him to build the skills of resilience, self-esteem, and the idea that competing with others wasn’t the way to succeed. I now see him collaborating with peers regularly–whether it’s in sharing his love of math, or whether it’s learning from his peers in the other activities he does.

Me and Kimfer Flanery-Rye, my co-moderator at the FBomb Breakfast Club gathering for Uncompete––where we talked about how creating communities to navigate failure in entrepreneurship is key to success.

Am I scared that this approach might mean he’s not positioned to get a job or "win"? What if that means he won't move out of my house some day when he’s an adult, or that he’ll be financially reliant on us for decades to come? Yes.

It feels scary to choose a different path than the one I was shown around parenting and success.

But there’s a part of me that believes that there’s power in teaching him to love himself and others. To find joy in learning, even if he fails. To decouple self-worth from competition. To practice simply getting better rather than always be competing with everyone.

It’s a both/and, still in progress. 

Inclusion on Purpose turns FOUR today!

I can hardly believe that four years ago today, on March 1st, was when Inclusion on Purpose came out. I’m proud of it: It sold out on its first release, was the bestselling book released by my publisher that year, and was called “a transformative book” by Dr. Brené Brown. And of course, it inspired me so much to begin assessing how competition culture plays into some of the biggest challenges we see towards creating truly inclusive communities.

When I’m asked about the difference between my books, I say this: I hope Inclusion on Purpose inspires you to lead differently from your head, and Uncompete to lead differently from your heart.

Thank you for reading one or both!

Today also marks the start of Women's History Month–and I reflect on the data on whether women are more competitive than men, in my last LinkedIn newsletter. Read that here.

A pinch-me moment during the launch of Inclusion on Purpose, with Dr. Brené Brown

What’s your experience?

I would love to hear about your experience of intentionally modeling and teaching young people in your life to Uncompete. Hit reply to share! These stories lift me up and I think it's so important to share them widely, to inspire ourselves and each other. I truly believe intentionally raising children is a communal activity, one of the most powerful acts of resistance and ways to Uncompete.

In solidarity,

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