Seven years ago, I walked away from my last full-time office job. I chose entrepreneurship for a variety of reasons (the usual suspects: being my own boss, having flexibility over my own schedule, working almost exclusively on issues I cared about.) But I had another reason. I wanted to take time off when I needed it. At my last corporate job, I remember visiting my family in Singapore and having to dial into meetings at all hours of the night to keep up with my U.S. coworkers. Out of a three week trip (after flying 24 hours to get to Singapore), I only really got two weeks “off,” and was expected to be back in the office the morning I returned, after the 24 hour journey back. I was supposed to just be grateful that my manager “let me” work from there. My “usual suspects” reasons for leaving that job weren’t even that bad. I’ve met people who were forced to work for themselves after being told by employers to return to work after losing a parent, a child, or dealing with a grave illness (let alone, being able to take a break just because!). Pardon my manners, but F- that. The “grind until you’re dead” culture in the U.S. is strong. At some point in the pandemic, I lifted my head and realized I had actually taken on more work over the past year. Whether it was in response to the hustle I saw around me or my anxiety in the face of uncertainty, I’m not sure. But I realized quickly I was ignoring one of the main reasons I started working for myself: to take breaks when I need them. Whether to visit family who live 24-hours-in-a-plane away, to attend a personal event, or to rest after a hectic work week. It should come as no surprise that U.S. workers are very, very overworked. One study found we leave 768 million vacation days unused. Many don’t even have vacation days as the U.S. does not mandate paid time off (ahem, not even for birthing a child). The time off I’m urging for does not mean “vacation” per se. I’m asking more of us to take a break — make what you will of that break. Meanwhile, here are a few things I’m re-committing to: Taking time for lunch everyday and not scheduling meetings between 12-2 PM. Here’s more about why lunch is sacred to me in Harvard Business Review. Taking at least one weekday off every month. Over summer, I plan to take a month off where I don’t take meetings, attend conferences or speak publicly. This year, it will be August and likely most of December. Focus on not feeling regret or FOMO for being offline. Instead, feeling gratitude and joy that I can focus on recharging myself. How do you take breaks? How do they make you feel (anxious, guilty, relieved, relaxed)? Does your workplace or boss support you when you need them? Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

Last week, I had to reschedule a meeting at the last minute. I went back and forth about the reason to give–it was sudden enough that I felt it was necessary to explain. Should I admit my son was sick and I had to keep him home from school? In the past I know I’ve judged women with childcare responsibilities, before I had my own (not among my proudest moments in life, by a long shot). I knew the person I was meeting was expecting a child, so, after some mental calculation and deciding that this person would likely not judge my professionalism for sharing childcare woes, I did. Side note: I am just as outraged as you that this mental calculation has to exist but in a society where there’s ZERO mandated paid maternity leave (forget paid caregiving leave) and 1 in 4 American mothers go back to work 10 days after giving birth, the anti-working mother sentiment is deep. Anyway, I also wrote: “I wouldn’t share the reason if I didn’t know you were expecting a child. We know prevailing gender biases would mean I may be perceived as less committed or competent, even by women, even by other mothers.” (Women are just as susceptible to gender bias as men, according to research. I’ve met a number of working mothers who experienced discrimination from other working mothers too.) She responded: “I’ve worked with men for years and I started noticing they never give a reason for rescheduling. Just: ‘I can’t make it. Does X time work instead?’ So I started doing that professionally and even personally. I just say, ‘thanks for inviting me, I can’t make it.’” Wow. I have so many thoughts: 1. People shouldn’t be expected to give a reason to reschedule. More women are socialized to offer a reason as we’re expected to justify what could be more important than attending said meeting, but why should we? 2. I would really like to see a change around the motherhood penalty. Women should not be penalized for being visible mothers. 3. Paired with a previous email exchange where someone ignored my unavailability due to struggling with my family being impacted by COVID in India, maybe this will mean I only share reasons with people who are close enough to offer support or empathy. When I reflected more on why I chose to share such a personal reason with someone I'm not close to, I realized I succumbed to the familiar pressure of not wanting to appear ungrateful for declining an opportunity without sharing a solid reason. Sigh. Yes, I have work to do like anyone else on this. 4. Most of all, inclusive leadership demands us to normalize sharing and choosing not to share. On one hand, we should not expect people, especially women, to owe a reason for unavailability. On the other, inclusive leaders must normalize when women (or anyone!) cite caregiving reasons for unavailability, rather than penalize us and perceive us as less committed or competent. I’m going to start trying out the no-reason reschedule for size. I’ll report back how it goes. Do you offer a reason for rescheduling or being unavailable for professional meetings? How about personally? Do you mention if those reasons are caregiving-related? Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

Six years ago I heard of an approach to workplace D&I (we were yet to use “Equity” in daily-speak) that changed my mind: Do not make workplace policies specifically around leave, remote and flexible work gender-specific. Be gender-, race-, disability-informed for sure but do not create policies that are focused only towards women, people of color, people with disabilities etc. What Inclusive Workplace Policies Sound Like I was interviewing Aniela Unguresan for my first book on how leaders could reduce the motherhood penalty (the financial and social price that mothers pay in the workplace, while academic research shows dads receive a fatherhood bonus.) She simply said: offer and ensure parental leave and policies around flexibility (what we now call remote work) is for everyone. If only women take it, they’ll be treated like “special cases.” They’ll be less likely to be hired, promoted or advanced into leadership positions, because they’ll always be seen as needing accommodations that men don’t need. So, offer everyone the benefit and don’t call it “maternity leave” or “flexibility for mothers.” Ensure senior leaders avail of it, visibly and vocally. Mind. Blown. Every “Issue” is a Human One Nothing in the workplace should ever be a women’s issue. That framing’s been on my mind as leaders plan returning to the office in the United States. For too long, remote work was characterized as a “women’s issue.” And now, the possibility of remote work long-term or a hybrid approach has been characterized as what female employees need. Because, you know, women are expected to be caregivers and work. As more leaders embrace a hybrid return-to-office approach––for employees privileged enough to work from home the past year-plus––we must lead inclusively. We must ensure we don’t create “special categories” and exceptions for some people (mothers and other female caregivers, people with disabilities, to name a few) to work from home, while expecting everyone else to return back to the office full-time. Leaders need to normalize everyone working from home when they want and as they need, not only in “special circumstances.” Otherwise, the inequities in our workplace–ones that were widened during the pandemic–will grow to gulf-like proportions. Ensure that employees who return to the office are not considered more committed or engaged (thinking of the CEO who made this public gaffe) than those who need or choose to continue working remotely. Bottom-line: trust people to make the right decision on what they need to be most engaged and don’t penalize those (often women) who make different ones than you. What’s something else people characterize as a “women’s issue” but isn’t? Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t share with you how many ways my heart has broken in the past few weeks, as I watch my beloved India contend with a tragic, humanitarian crisis. So many dear family members and friends are navigating unspeakable tragedy right now. I urge you to read. Donate. Speak up against patents that prioritize profits over humans. Whatever you do, please don’t look away. India’s Covid crisis is yet another reminder why inclusion, equity and access is not selective. Either we all have it, or none of us do. And so, onward I go in my quest for all of us to become more inclusive leaders. I’ve been outraged, comforted by the solidarity...and right back to being outraged again with the outpouring of your stories in the week since I wrote about my worst negotiation story. I can’t believe so many women, people of color, members of the LGBTQ+ and disabled communities have experienced such awful and relentless pushback when negotiating. I mean, I can, but it really is devastating how impossible it is to get compensated appropriately if you’re not a cis, white, straight man. So today’s letter is divided into two parts. I’ll start by talking about one way we could all do our part to fix the gender wage gap. Then, because inevitably whenever I address this topic, someone who needs to challenge me on whether the pay gap exists at all, I’ll talk about the data that shows it. Read either part first. Take action from both. Transparency is One Way to Reduce the Gap We all need to be more transparent about numbers we have access to. If you’re a hiring manager, say, “this role pays X. The last person we hired with your experience got paid X.” If you’re hiring a speaker, say, “our speaker budget is X. Our last speaker was paid X.” If you’re hiring a new marketing person and they’re low-balling themselves (because women and people of color are taught to), I challenge you to say to them, “I paid my last marketing person X or my budget is X. I insist we uplevel you from what you’re asking for.” If you’re in charge of putting an employee up for promotion, share that the role includes a salary bump of X and that they can also be eligible for Y benefits. If you’re recommending someone for an opportunity, ask the requester, “could you share your budget/the salary range before I connect you with my contact?” You have less to lose by asking than the referee. When we are transparent with the numbers in our immediate purview–whether you’re in charge of hiring for hundreds of roles or are a business owner hiring individual contractors––we are all doing our part in working to level a playing field that’s been historically uneven. Read more here if you really want your blood to boil––and this is just in the United States. Commit even more to transparency if you’re from a historically privileged community and gender. As my favorite podcast Battle Tactics From Your Sexist Workplace advises, we need white men to tell us what they earn. Let’s stop making it a secret. We all lose when we operate from the hyper-capitalist model that money is a zero-sum game. Firstly, addressing the pay gap against historically marginalized communities leads to economic growth and innovation. Paying women equally would add $512 billion to the U.S. GDP (and significantly more in countries where the gender gap is more pronounced). Secondly, when you pay people their true worth, they’re more likely to be engaged, productive and loyal. While capitalism tells us to feel satisfaction from low-balling someone in the moment (and having them accept a lower offer grudgingly), in the long-term, it costs us much, much more when they’re disengaged or feel undervalued. Great people are hard to find and even harder to replace. It’s the right thing to do. It’s good business. It’s good karma. (Take it from someone who read about karma from one of its original sources, the Bhagavad Gita.) Most of all, it's inclusive leadership. Is the Gender Wage Gap Real? In the U.S., there’s some quibbling over the exact disparity between what women and men are paid for equal work. You’ve likely heard 77-80 cents to the white man’s dollar. That’s for all women, when you don’t disaggregate by race. It drops down to 63(ish) cents for Black women, 60(ish) cents for Native women and 54(ish) cents for Latina women. And while high-earning Asian women drive up the AAPI wage gap to 85(ish) cents, when you take a nuanced view of the data, that drops down to 52 cents made by Burmese women compared to white men in comparable jobs. As it's Asian Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage MonthThe “ish” denotes which study and which year you look at. Regardless of the exact number, women are consistently paid less than white men for the same work—across industries, professions, qualifications and locations. More importantly, men are likely to be in higher-paid professions and roles, so they earn more money than women in general. Around the world, the statistics are just as grim. Differences in pay and employment opportunities result in large lifetime income gaps for women, according to U.N. data. Why the Gender Gap Persists One of the biggest obstacles to resolving the gender pay gap is denial. Most CEOs or senior leaders believe their companies would never discriminate by gender. No, their company is different—men and women must be paid equally for equal work, they think. Many senior leaders get away with their denial because they haven’t looked closely at their data. If you don’t see disaggregated data like what I’ve shared here, you can blissfully ignore that race and gender and other identity factors influence compensation. Avoiding your data is no excuse. The fact is, women are largely paid less than men regardless of qualifications and capability, across all levels of the organization and around the world. Even the highest-paid female executives take home an average of $5.3 million dollars—or 18% less than their male peers in the S&P 500. Add in race and other marginalized identities and the numbers are grim and needless to say deeply unfair. So, here’s my challenge to you: Share your numbers. Don’t be a data denier. Be transparent in every interaction. That’s the only way to put your money where your mouth is. Do you know someone in charge of hiring or managing people? Are you friendly with some CEOs? Send them this post and start a conversation. Change must come from all levels, especially the top. Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

I’m a good negotiator. I’ve observed how the men in my life (primarily, my partner) negotiate everything–from buying a car to rental agreements. I also read the study that found when women don’t negotiate their first salary, they lose $1 million over their lifetime. I came prepared to negotiations, researching the market and comparable rates, presenting a range and knowing the lowest number I’d walk away from. What I quickly learned is that all negotiation is not created equal. You don’t get what you deserve. You don’t even get what you ask for. You get what the other person thinks you deserve. And for women of color, that expectation is….low. A few years ago, I was asked to speak at an eminent women’s conference about negotiation. The organizer and I had a prep call to finalize details. Things were going well until I brought up my speaker fee. She started coughing. It was clear she was uncomfortable talking about money. Yes, the organizer of a conference on negotiation. She demurred and said she would get back to me, as the conference didn’t pay speakers. Here’s my HBR article on why that’s unacceptable. Then she went on to say, “since you’re a writer, you’ll also be expected to write 3-4 articles for our blog leading up to the conference.” “Great,” I said. “What’s your budget per article?” The answer was...none. A part of me left the meeting believing that she would check with her organizing team and find the budget for me to speak. Afterall, I was expected to fly to New York City on my own dime. Well, I never heard from her again. What Happens When Women (of Color) Negotiate I wish I could say this was a one-off, but variations of this happen to me often enough. I’m not expected to negotiate or advocate for myself. As a woman of color, I’m supposed to be grateful for the crumbs that come my way. Even managers and peers who have otherwise championed me have made backhanded comments when I talk numbers about how “I stand up for myself” and I “drive a hard bargain.” Descriptors I have not heard about my male counterparts in negotiations. The gender wage gap cannot be solved by teaching women to negotiate better. Well, Why Doesn’t Negotiation Work? Expecting women to individually negotiate away the pay gap is not just disingenuous, it’s harmful. “Asking women to take responsibility for closing the pay gap with their ace negotiating skills is sort of like teaching women self-defense as a way of addressing sexual assault. It puts the burden on women to figure this out as individuals—it doesn’t ask much of employers, and it doesn’t really address the bigger issue,” I read in The Cut a few years ago. Moreover, society expects women to be likeable and agreeable. When we negotiate, we aren’t conforming to those expectations. Women of color, especially, face a double whammy when negotiating navigating those tricky intersections of racial and gender expectations. But the “negotiate to get what you deserve” narrative persists. So...we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Corporate culture is ripe for change in this regard. With all these social barriers, it’s almost surprising that salary negotiation has continued as a practice for so long. I say “almost” because we know workplace systems were designed without women in mind. But you’re reading this because, like me, you believe inclusion is leadership. I see only two viable options for “negotiation” to actually address the gender wage gap: Find a way to overcome social conditioning so women are not penalized for negotiating. Easier said than done. Or, Take the negotiating tactic off the table entirely and normalize talking about numbers transparently. Guess which one I’m rooting for? What’s your worst negotiation story ever? Does the negotiate-to-lower-the-wage-gap myth persist at your workplace? My talks address why this is a problem. Ideal for keynotes, company meetings, and ERGs, I'd be happy to come to your workplace (virtually, of course) to present to your team. Book me to speak. Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

In 2022, I’m noticing a monumental shift in how leaders approach inclusion: More corporate leaders are speaking openly about how privilege has shaped the course of their careers. This is a marked tone-change. I can see it clearly after spending a decade studying inclusion and diversity. I am guided by intersectionality — a concept coined by the great scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw to describe how marginalized identities like race, ethnicity, gender and class coalesce to create overlapping and compounding forms of discrimination. Understanding intersectionality is central to understanding our own privilege. If we cannot see and name in which ways our identities grant us access, and in which ways they deny us access, we can’t ever fully name our privilege. And at last, corporate leaders are talking about privilege––not “I’m white and male but grew up poor so I’m discriminated against too” but “I’m white and male and those privileges have provided social mobility even though I grew up poor!” It gives me confidence — and hope — that the business community will make strides on inclusion in 2022. Diversity, equity and inclusion has, for too long, centered around “empowering” underestimated folks. Many corporate DEI programs are grounded in the awful misconception that those people out there are lacking and if only they worked hard enough to get the same opportunities as me. Now I’m seeing white and male leaders say, “the system was designed to benefit me. Here’s my role in using my privilege to dismantle this system.” There will be challenges, of course. I anticipate a reckoning around microaggressions. There is an urgent need to update workplace discrimination policies to address them. I’m sure we’ll see at least a few senior leaders default to defensiveness when they make an error or gaffe. While these stumbles might make you and me groan, the very fact that we can know and discuss them is a sign of progress and must continue. While change may seem to move at a snail’s pace, it is happening. We have the responsibility and privilege of witnessing it and holding ourselves and our leaders accountable to it. It’s on this cautiously optimistic note that I welcomed the New Year — not only a year in which I anticipate progress on inclusion, but the year that my book Inclusion on Purpose comes out! Speaking of which, some unexpected events happened when I returned to my office last week: My book launch got pushed to March 1, 2022 due to global supply chain issues. My child was sent home from school within two hours of being back. More people than I’ve ever known have Covid at the same time (and thanks to vaccines and booster shots, everyone is recovering)! It’s a poignant reminder that the best-laid plans can fall apart, and the best thing I can do about them is to shake it off (after time to acknowledge the disappointments) and be grateful. Perhaps that’s my wish for all of us in 2022: that we cope with setbacks, disappointments, or errors with humor and gratitude. Yes, we will hold ourselves and leaders accountable to progress. Yes, we will roll up our sleeves and do good work. And yes, things will almost certainly not go according to plan. Let’s do our best to greet those surprises with self-compassion. What inclusion progress do you expect or hope for in 2022? Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

If I’m never asked to speak for free again, it’s too soon. Yes, I know that doesn’t quite make sense, but I hope it conveys to you my utter dismay and astonishment at the countless unpaid speaking “opportunities” that abound. And I know I’m not alone: Few topics incite more ire among my professional speaking colleagues than unpaid speaking opportunities. Yet these “opportunities” are everywhere! And they’re not equally distributed: It’s my anecdotal experience — mine and others’ — that women of color are more likely than white women, men of color, and white men to be expected to speak for free. (As a side note, I am surprised I could not find research on pay rates for speakers by gender or race/ethnicity. If you’ve come across any, please let me know!) Why do we think speaking is “free”?? Let me start by assuming positive intent. Perhaps you’re new to your job and tasked with finding speakers for a free event. You think, we’re only asking for 30-minute presentations. The event will be free, so the speakers will get tons of exposure. Exposure is a form of compensation! I can understand this line of thinking — but it’s problematic. Firstly, preparing a solid presentation for a public audience takes hours of research, preparation, and rehearsal (sometimes more so if it’s a short presentation). No 30 minute presentation requires only 30 minutes of work. Secondly, the presentation content and the speaker’s profile — which will attract attendees and impact each person beyond the event itself — often represents a career’s worth of work. Thirdly, there’s the opportunity cost to your speaker. The hours she spends preparing to speak at your event for free are hours she could spend doing paid work. (And don’t even get me started on those events that expect speakers to pay for their own travel and lodging for the supposed benefit of free exposure!) Not compensating speakers appropriately has a cascade of effects that make truly inclusive conferences with diverse perspectives and lived experiences impossible. After all, speaking for free isn’t a realistic option for many people, especially people of color who are most disadvantaged by a large racial wealth gap. “Exposure” cannot pay the bills. “Exposure” cannot help speakers build their businesses, create new jobs, support community causes, or build generational wealth for their families. But most importantly: why is it ever acceptable to expect someone to work for free? You wouldn’t expect the caterer to provide refreshments for free or the sound and lighting engineers to do their work uncompensated. Why is speaking any different? My answer, as you can probably guess, is that it isn’t different. Speaking is a valuable professional service and we must treat it as such — especially if we’re committed to inclusive and equitable events. But what if I have NO budget? I want to address a concern some of you may have, especially if you work with a tight budget. I encourage you to source inclusively for your events regardless, as long as your approach is respectful. Make sure the speaker understands why you’re asking her to speak, such as the impact she can have on your community members. Offer an “honorarium” or token amount to demonstrate that you’re giving what you can. Make sure to compensate for travel and lodging, or offer a virtual option so the onus is never on the speaker to pay her way to the event. If you’re a nonprofit, provide a tax-deductible donation receipt so your speaker can write-off her donation of speaking services at tax time. And always ensure that all speakers are compensated — not just some. (I don’t mean that all must be compensated identically — high-profile speakers will command a higher fee. But never pay some speakers and expect others to work for free.) This is an instance where you have the power to advocate for inclusion and equity. Use your privilege and influence to ensure speakers are paid. I’ve seen it work in multiple organizations: when someone asks “why are we paying caterers but have no budget for speakers,” it gives leaders the opportunity to see with new eyes. Your advocacy makes a difference, and you can start today. Are you planning events with speakers? Forward this post to your leaders or financial team to open a discussion about paying your speakers — or at least offering them something meaningful in return for their valuable service. Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

If I had a cent for every time I’ve been invited to speak on a “manel,” or “whanel” (a word I’ve seen thrown around to describe an all-white panel), or to speak for free… ...I’d make an enormous donation to the Northwest Immigrants Rights Project. 😉 Humor aside, diversity of backgrounds, lived experiences and identities is an important aspect to making events inclusive. It’s surprising to me that even after so much discussion around diversity, equity and inclusion — especially after George Floyd’s murder ignited such a powerful, global movement in 2020 — I was still invited to numerous (virtual) manels and conferences with all-white speakers this past year! I wrote about being intentionally inclusive in Do Inclusive Events Mean the End of Fun? I also provided tips to make sure we’re being inclusive when we extend invitations socially and professionally. Well, I’m here to tell you: the same thinking applies to inviting experts and speakers to your events. There is a lot of opportunity to grow here. We’re rapidly approaching a new year and I’m finally getting many more in-person speaking requests, which tells me we must be intentional in planning our events. As organizations and leaders plan their events for 2022, I’m highlighting few recommendations to ensure your events are inclusive and make attendees of all backgrounds feel welcome and seen: Set audacious goals I love the perspective-shift that comes from BHAG–Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals. By changing your focus from an obligation to an opportunity, the energy shifts and excitement takes over. Think of it this way: Instead of “uh oh, we need more diversity on our panel,” what if your team said: “Let’s get really creative in pushing the envelope on just how diverse and inclusive we can make this lineup?!” "How many transwomen or nonbinary people in tech can we invite to speak?" "How many working parents are experts in our topic?" "Can we invite as many non-college graduate community organizers as PhDs? Maybe even more?" Never settle for “one and done.” Setting audacious goals makes it impossible to avoid diversity at your conferences, and goes a long way toward ensuring that people of all identities and backgrounds seem themselves represented and feel included and welcome. It also avoids the “one and done” problem. Just one token speaker from an underestimated background does not mean you can check “inclusive” off your to-do list and call it a day. It also doesn’t deliver the benefits of true inclusion: long-standing research shows that tokenized individuals feel compelled to assimilate to the majority surroundings. And believe me — I always notice when I’m the only woman, person of color, or woman of color at an event. It never feels good. Have you attended an event (in person or virtually) that really impressed you with its inclusion practices? What stood out to you most? Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

“Do you want to come to my party?” Think back to the last time you uttered those words — especially to someone you didn’t know very well. I bet that many of us left this kind of unselfconscious invitation in school, when asking a classmate or neighbor, “do you want to be my friend” was no big deal! But as we grow older, we become hyper aware of only socializing with people like us. Sadly, this very human tendency to only invite people we already know leaves so many others out and often further marginalized underestimated people. To disrupt this and become more intentionally inclusive, we can learn something from our childhood selves (or in my case, watching my five-year-old son make new friends). Intentionally inviting people is key to practicing inclusion. In my last Inclusion is Leadership, I wrote about the disturbing lack of curiosity I see in social and professional settings. It manifests in: the way we extend (or don’t) invitations to colleagues and acquaintances; where and when and how we plan social and networking events; our unchecked assumptions about what people like and whether they’ll want to socialize in the same way as us. But I’m happy to tell you: the fix is easy! It calls for tuning in to your curious inner five-year-old, and inviting yourself to be open and excited about new experiences. Intentionally inviting people to your events (all the more if it’s a virtual event) is inclusion. So is planning your events to suit a variety of tastes, schedules and comforts. So, here are a few ways leaders like you can be more intentional and curious in event-planning, formal and informal: 1. Make the effort to learn what type of events would best include all employees and colleagues particularly those from underrepresented backgrounds To ensure all people feel included, make an effort to understand the practices that exclude them, as well as the barriers that stop them from attending work functions. These could include dietary preferences and timings that accommodate caregiving responsibilities. Listen and make changes accordingly. Of course, it’s important to ask these questions privately so that people don’t feel targeted or othered in a group setting. You can also include questions surrounding personal preferences in an organization-wide, anonymous survey. 2. Be intentional when making connections When there are employees from diverse backgrounds at an event, intentionally introduce them to those in the “in-group.” Women, people of color and disabled people, for example, are often left to the sidelines while the dominant group socializes — something I’ve sadly experienced all too often at work events. I’ve previously written about affinity bias; we are drawn to sameness and people from underestimated backgrounds often find themselves excluded from conversations, especially in homogenous work environments. Using your influence to intentionally foster these connections can have a big impact on how welcome another person feels. 3. Plan more events that don’t center around alcohol. But don’t immediately assume that certain people of color don’t drink. In the U.S. and Western Europe, social and networking culture often revolves around alcohol, which can leave out people who don’t drink. Planning more events that aren’t alcohol-driven is key to being more inclusive. And even if an event is at a bar or alcohol is present, don’t automatically assume that immigrant people of color will be uncomfortable attending. I’ve attended plenty of events at bars, even during times when I wasn’t drinking alcohol, and know many people who have no objections to being around alcohol, whether or not they personally consume it. It’s always best to extend an invite and let your employee or colleague decide for herself, rather than making the decision for her. Most of all, observe–if almost all work events center around alcohol, be intentional in balancing them out with ones that don’t. Addressing Resistance I want to preemptively address some resistance that may surface with this article. You might feel as though being intentionally inclusive means sacrificing what you enjoy. What if you don’t like vegan food, or you have the most fun in places that serve alcohol? I get it. And if I dig deep into my empathy, I can see how some white men could feel the same way when told that sports bars, cigar clubs and golf can’t be the only places they host networking and social gatherings (we can’t assume that women are automatically uncomfortable in those places, but it’s fair to say that most of them are geared towards cis, heterosexual men!) If part of you feels defensive about “giving up what you like,” I understand – you’re human. We’ll probably always have a bias towards our personal preferences and comforts, where we feel most welcome and belong. The problem is, most workplaces were set up by and for white men. So these events are often most geared towards…you guessed it! They also often exclude people who don't identify as white men. Thankfully, more of us can nurture our curiosity too and recognize that we care about more than our preferred food or drink or environment. We care about how we make others feel. We care about our reputations. We care about camaraderie on our teams. We care about creative ideas. We care about connection. These are preferences too! And when we act inclusively, we give these interpersonal preferences priority. Not only do we benefit from it, but everyone around us benefits, too. So thank you for making social events intentionally inclusive. How have you changed your event-planning practices to be more inclusive? Or, is there someone in your life you think does a great job of this? Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

I once worked with a team that practiced what felt like an egalitarian decision-making process. We would meet, discuss challenges and collectively come up with strategies to move forward. Sounds great, doesn’t it? But over time, I noticed something odd: a few days after our team meetings, I would return to work to find the decisions that we made were moot, and the manager was moving in a different direction. At first, I had no idea what initiated these changes. But eventually I solved the puzzle: my male manager and certain members of our department were having additional, informal get-togethers after work at a local bar. There, they would talk shop and new decisions were made about who to hire, promote and assign to important projects. Though I was never invited, I later learned that it wasn’t gender-based. White women at all levels in our department were invited. But I never scored an invitation. Later, I figured it had something to do with being the only woman of color in my department. “Acting naturally” is seldom inclusive I don’t believe they excluded me because they disliked me, per se, but I do know it was because I was different from the “in-group.” Research on affinity bias shows that we are naturally drawn to people who are like us. Affinity bias often leads us to invite people like us and notice when people like us are missing from the gathering. Conversely, it means we often don’t consciously realize our oversight when we’ve excluded people who are different from us. In other words: acting “naturally” doesn’t cut it — not if you’re committed to being inclusive every day and in every way. Unless we consciously invite and include, we could be unconsciously excluding others. It might seem like no big deal: A casual drink here, a few networking events there with like-minded colleagues isn’t so bad, right? Unfortunately, these seemingly innocuous meetups have consequences, and most of them fall on the employees from underestimated backgrounds. The solution is to invite people from underestimated backgrounds to these kinds of events, no matter what. That means being intentionally open and curious about people who are different from us — the subject of last week’s Inclusion Is Leadership on LinkedIn. Choosing curiosity is up to all of us, but I believe managers and leaders have a particular responsibility to lead by example. So always invite everyone, especially if it’s a “casual, informal” gathering. It’s not difficult to invite someone to an event, and believe me, it makes a big difference. I think we can all relate, perhaps from experiences in our childhood, to how good it feels to be included. And conversely, how hurtful it feels to be excluded. In some ways, we’re no different now than at five years old (I see it everyday, as that’s the age my son is as I’m writing this!). It still feels good to be included, and we each have the power to extend inclusive invitations to our colleagues, neighbors and community. Earlier I wrote that making inclusive invitations is part of the solution. The other part is on the structural side: organizing inclusive events that welcome employees from all backgrounds. In my next letter to you, I’ll share steps for creating inclusive events to begin with. Has someone in your life made you feel especially included? Have you done the same for others? Let’s shift the narrative. Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

I see a disturbing lack of curiosity in professional and social settings. It concerns me. Without being curious about other people and their experiences, we can’t build empathy or a diversity of relationships. And what I’m realizing more and more strongly is that we each have a personal responsibility to take action to practice inclusion in every interaction. I am not saying systemic change doesn’t need to happen — it does. But how do systems change? Through people. And how do people change? By introducing ourselves to new experiences and perspectives. The lack of curiosity coincides with a shift happening in management and leadership all over the world: your work self and home self are inextricable. A Life of Inclusion Who you are at work and outside of work is the same person. “Work life” and “home life” don’t exist on separate planets; it’s all “life.” The pandemic made this impossible to ignore, and it applies to caregiving, mental and physical health, relationships, and yes, inclusion. Especially inclusion. You could be an effective manager to a team of people from all backgrounds. But when you go home, is your social network all white or male or heterosexual? When you go out to eat, shop, buy a book or watch a movie, do you meaningfully and intentionally seek out options from lesser-heard communities? How about when you network, attend a PTA meeting, or take a class? Are there many people who don’t look like you? If the answer is no, it’s time to cultivate curiosity intentionally. But how? “Where are you from?” This isn’t everyone’s reaction, but it surprises me when I meet someone and they don’t ask me where I’m from. 🤷🏽‍♀️ It’s harder still when I say “Singapore” and they ignore me in favor of bonding with the guy next to me over his hometown of Peoria, Illinois (no shade to Illinois, but why don’t we display equally respectful curiosity or excitement, no matter where the person is from?). Personally, I’ve learned so much from asking “where are you from”! Ok, I know! It’s a fraught question, often implying you don’t belong here. And to be clear, “where are you from” followed by “no, but where are you really from” is never an acceptable line of questioning (see why here). But avoiding that question altogether can feel like a dismissal, akin to supposed (and problematic!) “colorblindness.” There are numerous ways we avoid exploring our differences, perhaps out of awkwardness or fear of offending someone. But inclusion doesn’t happen by accident. Research on affinity bias shows that we are naturally drawn to people who are like us. That means if left to our own “natural” devices, we might never extend a hand to someone different from us, especially in our personal lives. In my last Inclusion Is Leadership, Jennefer Witter commented, “In most of my experiences the majority of my staff were white and had never worked for a POC. One of the things I learned was that many had no interaction with people outside their race outside of the workplace.” That has to change. To practice inclusion in what you eat, read, watch, or buy is relatively easy — after all, you don’t have to put yourself out there. But what about interacting with people? This is where we must be open and curious. And we can’t do that without asking questions. So the next time you attend a conference, join a yoga class, or volunteer at your children’s school, be curious about someone different from you. Approach them with a smile and introduce yourself. Ask some questions. Most importantly, listen intently and make eye contact (even above a mask or virtually). What questions do you ask when you meet someone new? If you’re a person of color or immigrant to the country where you live, what do you think of “where are you from”? What’s your go-to approach to connecting with a new person? Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.

You’re in an all-day strategy session with your team. It’s coming up on the lunch hour. Without fail, all the heads in the room swivel towards you, the only woman of color present. Their expectation is clear: obviously, you’ll be ordering everyone’s lunch. Every woman of color I know has stories like this. Whether it’s arranging food and beverages, taking notes, or coordinating meeting times, women of color are disproportionately expected to shoulder “office housework.” No wonder so many of us have no interest in returning to the office! Office Housework Rarely Gets a Raise And it’s not just anecdotal. Research has shown that women and people of color often end up with worse assignments than their white male counterparts. In their article about the research, Joan C. Williams and Marina Multhaup define these “worse assignments” as: administrative work like the examples above, important but undervalued work, like keeping track of contracts, and work that isn’t tied to revenue goals. In other words, tasks that are far less likely to result in promotion. While I certainly cannot speak for all women of color, I feel confident that we share these experiences: situations where (white) male coworkers blithely assume that it’s a woman of color’s duty to do less-important work around the office. Not only is it harmful, it’s straight-up ridiculous! One woman told me: “I’m often asked to shut the door in a meeting, even if I’m sitting far away from the door.” (Emphasis mine.) Research shows that white women face challenges to advancement in every industry. However, the statistics for women of color reveal that we face the worst game of jeopardy: double jeopardy. We experience bias related to both our gender and our race. Two Unappealing Options Sure, shutting the door or ordering lunch won’t derail your day. But do these tasks repeatedly and the time adds up. Even more harmful? Office housework negatively reinforces the power dynamics that place – and keep – women of color in lower positions. So we’re faced with two unappealing options: do the tasks and risk being expected to always do them, or say no and risk being penalized. A manager at a technology company I spoke to put it plainly. “As a visibly Black woman in the workplace, I am often caught in a double-bind where if I don’t accept the office housework, I’m considered an ‘Angry Black’ woman.” What’s the solution? Let’s be clear: the culture of these organizations must change so people in power don’t target women of color with these requests. Inclusion is leadership, and we must continue pushing our leaders to see it and practice it. But that takes time, and waiting for change doesn’t help you right now. I always hesitate to put the onus on individuals to fix the problem. Systemic racism and sexism are not your fault, so why should you be in charge of solutions? But I want to offer tips to help women of color who find themselves in these situations. If these tips can help you say no to office housework and yes to that stretch assignment that will earn you a promotion? Then we all win. How do you cope with being assigned office housework — especially in the era of remote work? Got any handy scripts or comebacks or communication tips? Click here to subscribe to the weekly Inclusion is Leadership letter.