Uncompete when our values are being attacked

I recently had a bittersweet conversation with my eight-year-old son, V.

I was explaining to him that in some cultures (including some in India where our ancestors are from), it’s common for many women not to be allowed to work outside the home because of social norms. 

My son was baffled, like I’d just told him the earth was flat or the moon was made of cheese. It was so outside his ability to comprehend that he could hardly fathom what I was talking about! He’s always seen me as a business owner and caregiver, and while we have plenty of caregivers in our community who don’t do paid work outside the home, he absolutely couldn’t fathom that women weren’t allowed to make the choice.

My 8-year-old with a sign he made at a school march for peace and justice

His genuine astonishment warmed my heart but it was also… familiar. I realized I’m seeing the same bafflement from many adults (particularly white people) in my community and online in response to the anti-DEI, anti-trans, anti-so-many-people-and-values actions we see writ large.

Attacks on our values are destabilizing

There are a lot of us—perhaps including you—who thought, why would anyone attack DEI? Or trans women? Or the Department of Education? Who never anticipated that overtly racist ideas would become so mainstream. 

Part of me understands the astonishment. It’s destabilizing to have our fundamental values so vehemently attacked, and I say our values deliberately, because I know most of us fundamentally agree that we all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and to have an equal opportunity to pursue our goals.

The other part of me isn’t surprised at these attacks, and many people of color in my community (particularly my Black colleagues) aren’t surprised either. Quite the opposite: most have been anticipating such a backlash. 

But I believe what we do and how we act now will have a massive impact on our futures. I know so many of us (me very much included to some extent) have been complacent, believing democracy and freedom are how we think, not how we act.

Destabilization can get us from inaction to action

I empathize with those—perhaps including you—who find the shock frustrating. But I have a different take: their astonishment actually gives me hope. Because I’m noticing people using their shock to ask important questions, like: 

• What can I do?

• What is DEI really about? (More on this below)

• What’s my role in protecting what I thought would never be up for debate in the mainstream? 

I’m seeing the extremity of what’s happening galvanize people to engage in ways they never thought they would need to, because they never expected their values to be contested in this mainstream way.

I don’t say this to put a “positive spin” on anything or to make light of the very serious attacks on our fundamental values and human rights. Believe me, as a non-citizen immigrant, I am acutely aware of how serious things are and can be.

I say this to remind us that there is always both/and: it’s both a disturbing time and I see signs that it’s changing behavior in important and progressive ways.

How we can resist: Uncompete

I certainly didn’t plan this, but I think the attacks on DEI make the topic of my forthcoming book, Uncompete, especially relevant. In the book I address questions like, even when people believe in equal rights for all in theory, why is there discomfort in practice?

This dissonance is part of what led me to write Uncompete. On one hand, we’re seeing progress, like 50% of this year’s Oscar films having women at the helm. And on the other, Google removed events like Women’s History Month from their holidays calendar, and that’s just one example of what we’re dealing with.   

How can we resist backwards-looking rhetoric and actions by uncompeting? In my forthcoming book (which is available for pre-order!) I discuss: 

1. Moving from scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. We’re taught, explicitly and implicitly, to believe that when their group is thriving, our group must be failing. But in reality, opportunities abound and progress is great for everyone (including those in the majority).

2. Know that progress should never be zero-sum: one group shouldn’t have to “lose” so another group “wins.” This is a false dichotomy. When you see or hear this kind of us-or-them thinking out in the wild, I encourage you to stop and question it (internally at least and, if it’s safe to do so, with other people).  

3. Recognize that inequality hurts everyone. This research from Brookings has more.

4. Invest in DEI no matter what. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, and to have an equal opportunity to pursue our goals. Full stop. 

I spoke about some of these themes in a recent talk at the Starbucks HQ in Seattle for Women’s History Month. I believe it’s become a form of resistance for women to uncompete—to support each other and propel each other—more than ever.

Here’s what I’m doing

I won’t say anything here you haven’t heard elsewhere: call your elected officials to make your view clear and/or to thank them for standing up for what’s right. Look to local organizations, especially those led by people of color, for opportunities to volunteer and donate. In Seattle, I’ve been particularly inspired by the work of Northwest Immigrant Rights Project. 

Follow people of color online and seek out books, podcasts, and videos by creators of color. Talk to each other, especially people whose views and experiences differ from your own. I ask that you don’t turn away from engaging in this moment in history, hard as it is. And push back hard against anti-DEI rhetoric.  

Why should we all resist DEI attacks? 

DEI is about what I wrote above: the belief that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, and to have an equal opportunity to pursue our goals. DEI done right is an active commitment to this belief, which starts by educating and understanding what’s at stake when DEI is attacked.   

The misinformation being spread about DEI prompted me to start a video series called Progress Not Perfect where I explain key concepts from my bestselling book, Inclusion on Purpose. I specifically focus on ideas that are being targeted, such as: 

• What Diversity, Equity and Inclusion really mean

• DEI and Meritocracy are not opposites (meritocracy was originally a satirical term!)

• How to view DEI in a global context

• Women and “prove-it” bias

I hope these videos clarify terms, open up discussion, and help you think about DEI expansively and creatively.

I'd love to hear from you...

After Inclusion on Purpose came out, many people (including Dr. Brené Brown) asked me what my goal was for my work. It might sound glib, but my sincere goal is for our understanding of equity, inclusion and diversity to be so ubiquitous that my role in advocating for these fundamentals are rendered obsolete—the same way my brown son born in America was flabbergasted that many women who look like me are prevented from pursuing careers outside the home. (After that, my dream is to own a vineyard producing sparkling wines—not many women who look like me own vineyards yet!) 

I’d love to hear from you: What questions do you have about DEI (maybe I’ll answer yours in my next #ProgressNotPerfect video)? What actions are you taking to support yourself and your community lately?

In solidarity,

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