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Hello friend,
I’ve been slow to write here for a number of reasons:
I’ve finally pressed "SEND" on V3 of my next book’s manuscript, Uncompete. I’ve not felt as professionally challenged in my life so far as I have with this book. I’ve cried. I’ve stressed. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel. I’ve questioned my worth as a writer. I’ve vowed I’d never write another book.
What’s been harder still, is I’ve always been drawn to writing as my peaceful place. Even when everything around me feels incomprehensible, when I write, my brain begins to make more sense. Usually. But this time, I felt like I was going round and round, knowing I wanted to write a thought-provoking and hopefully, paradigm-shifting book, but the words on the pages were anything but. This space of learning and unlearning has characterized the whole past year for me–and I realized it’s actually important for me (and my ego) to be “bad” at something I thought I’m “good” at. I know we’re supposed to not use those words, but I’m keeping it real with you.
Yes, this is about “growth edges” and “beginner modes” in theory, but in practice it looks like questioning everything and many, many tears and plenty of self-doubt.
It was a tough 13 months to get here, but eventually the clouds began to clear. In no small part because of the support ranging from physical (my husband taking the lead on caregiving for our kid), emotional (I found a fantastic therapist for the first time! And amazing family and friends who really showed up when I needed to unload), spiritual (read next point) and logistical (my editor, my Chief of Staff, literary agent and the team at Meghan Stevenson books)...I’m finally excited about the book–and can’t wait to share more details about it when I can.
I’ve kicked off 200 hours of yoga teacher training with Atha Yoga, an Indian-led program focused on the spiritual grounding as much as the physical (asana) practice and a fabulous anatomy curriculum, that has been an incredibly tough but meaningful journey physically, spiritually and mentally. I’m not going to bore you with cliches like “transformation” or “enlightenment,” but I will say that I’m only now realizing how much time I’ve spent “out” of my body in trying to hustle, “succeed” and push through pain.
I’m really struggling to reconcile the devastation we’re seeing writ large over the past year globally, but especially in Gaza, and trying to stay optimistic, hopeful and advocate for a better world. I’m at a loss and the grief feels very heavy. I’m holding on to moments of joy where they’re available–from taking my 8-year-old to the Seattle Aquarium on Indigenous People’s Day last week, to celebrating Diwali (and some of the wonderful events in its leadup) with friends and family. But I, like so many, am hurting. I’m learning to give myself and everyone around me SO MUCH SPACE.
You may not hear from me as often and I’ve also dialed down on public events for a bit as a I continue to leave space for book revisions, healing and time to process all that’s going on. Thank you for your grace with me.
And wherever you are as you read this, my hope for you is rest and ease.
In solidarity,
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